


Letters unsent.

by MyDarkSideWearsPink



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, F/M, Love Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 16:40:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30108915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyDarkSideWearsPink/pseuds/MyDarkSideWearsPink
Summary: Andromeda has chosen between her family and Ted. And yet, she misses him.
Relationships: Andromeda Black Tonks/Ted Tonks
Kudos: 3





	Letters unsent.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bit of angst, because I like hurting myself. Tedromeda is the blue print.

Dearest Ted, 

I write to you from my room, at the very same desk I’ve written a thousand letters to you before ; some you’ve received, but most were thrown in the fire and destroyed in the flames before anyone but me could see the words they contained. 

But you have no idea, do you ? No idea I’ve been writing to you every day for nearly four years. You think I don’t think of you. You think I’ve forgotten us. You’re a fool.

This letter will probably end in ashes too. 

Ted. I hate you. I hate that you’re the only one who makes me smile, these days. I hate that you’ve given me what I never knew I needed, I hate that you’ve taught me things I can never unlearn and that changed my perception of the world. You’ve ruined my own life for me, you know ? I hate how you always see the best in people, and saw something in me that wasn’t there. I wish I was the person you believe me to be. I wish I was half the woman you think you’re in love with, but I’m not. If I were, I’d be braver. If I really were the one you needed, I’d be more like you. I’d be brave, and gentle, and selfish enough to run away with you the way you’ve asked me a billion times. I’m not. 

You said loving is easy, but it's hard. Loving you is easy enough – sometimes, I feel it’s easier to love you than it is to breathe. But it’s what comes with love that’s hard. The doubt, the pain, the constant reminder that the best part of is with you and that I can never have my freedom back. The reminder that I now have to spend whatever years I have left without you. You changed me, and now you're gone, and I'm the one who have to face the consequences. 

I had a pretty easy life, before you. I think I’d still have it good, if I never met you. I knew who I was, I knew what I was born to do, I knew what was my duty in life and I was prepared to follow it. I’d never have thought of fighting it. 

You took something that wasn't yours to take and I hate you for it. 

Sometimes, I want to be free of you. Scrub every inch of my body until there's not any skin you have touched left. Erase my memories until your feature are blurry. Some other times, I think I'll die if I have to forget you. Those times, I realise there's nothing worthy in Andromeda Black if there's no Edward Tonks to love it.

I don't know what you've done to me, but I wish you’d set me free,now. I can't do that any longer. I'm so lost, Ted. The irony is that you're both the reason why, and the only one who can help me find me again. The disease and the remedy. The poison, and the antidote.

Now, I am restless. I can’t find any joy in the path in front of me. I can find no peace in separating myself from you. But if I were to choose you, I’d lose everything that made me who I am. I could never be the woman you expect, and I’d rather die now than now I have failed you so cruelly.

I live only in the hope that someday, I can settle, one way or another. Either drown myself in you without a care for what I’d leave behind, or forsake you completely. Honestly, I don't care which one it is. I feel like I’d both lose and find myself in both possible scenarios. I just want the pain to end. I can't do it any longer. I’ve taken my decision, so why am I still thinking of you ? 

I have so many things to tell you, and yet nothing to say. Everyday is the same. So dull. Nothing to look forward to, and just foolishly waiting to hear from you, even though I was the one asking you to stay away. How stupid. 

You're stuck inside my brain, Ted. You're under my skin, your voice inside my head. All the bloody time. You're stuck inside my head like the muggle songs you used to sing to me – tunes without words, just the notes coming back to memory when I'm by the piano. My mother asks if it's Mozart, and she really has no idea what’s happening inside of me. No one does, not even you. I always say it is Mozart, because it’s what she wants to hear. It’s easier this way.

At least, I can live with the knowledge that I’m saving you, right ? You may think your heart is breaking, but you’re wrong. I’m just not the one for you. You were made for much more than that. I know that someday, you’ll meet the right one, the one who you can give your heart to truly, freely, completely, without risking your life doing so, and they’ll love you much better than I ever could. They’ll put you first the way I couldn’t. Merlin, how I hate them already. I hope you two will be happy. I know I won’t, but that’s my cross to bear.

I took the best decision for the both of us. That should be enough for me. And yet, I still see you in everything. What are you doing right now ? Are you happy ? Do you have everything you ever wanted ? Have you already found another love ? Are you thinking of me ? Do you hate me ? Do you still love me ? Did you forgive me ? Are you safe ? I tried to make sure you are That's all that matters.

The prospect of a life without you kills me, and that’s unfair. I never asked for it. I asked you to leave me alone, remember ? Straight from the beggining, you came at me from your crazy world that was so different from mine, and I told you to go away. You didn't. You crept up on me, you forced me to love you, and now I can never get rid of you. Fuck you, Ted Tonks. You should have left me alone. I miss you, I love you, I want you, and I hope you know that, even if I asked you to forget me. I hope this was my last letter. I hope I've said everything that needed to be said and that I can finally let you go. But you'll never know, I guess. If you read that, it will do more wrong than good. You have no idea what it took me to say goodbye, that last time. I don't think I could do it again. 

So goodbye, my love, for good. I hope life gives you everything you deserve. 

Yours always, A. B.


End file.
